I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do…..the serial monogomist.
Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived. Those of you who took Western Civ in college know this little ditty was the best way to remember the fate of the 6 wives of Henry the Eighth. Plus this was the only way I could remember it wasn’t the eight wives of Henry the Sixth. Which begs the question how many marriages are to many?
Lafayette LA Fall 2006
The Blue Moon in downtown Lafayette La. was a quite arts bar which in polite society would be called a Bistro, in Lafayette it was a bar. Live music, paintings on the wall, sculpture all about, with a avant-garde atmosphere, an oasis in Cajun country.
A cool autumn night was just getting started, as was I. Strolling into the Blue Moon, looked around and took a seat at the bar. A seat which just happen to be strategically located a chair away from a very cute red head sitting by herself at the bar drinking a glass of wine and nibbling on her appetizers. I figure don’t be to obvious as to what my plans were but she looked to be in her forties and not wearing a wedding ring, hey even a blind squirrel finds a nut.
I sat, I ordered, I stared. Stared at the collection of bottles that made up the backdrop of the bar, stared at the art on the walls and occasionally over towards the cute redhead. My beer showed up so I sat, stared, sipped, sipped again, wonder, stared, sipped, a pretty typical evening at the bar.
Lucky enough for us it was cool evening and the southern blood had not grown accustom to this weather yet, so she had worn an oversized winter coat which was on the chair next to her. As luck would have it, for me, not her wine, she reached to move her coat so a couple could grab two seats at the bar next to her and knocked over her newly filled glass of wine.
“AHHHHH alcohol abuse.” I said.
“Oh no, I am so sorry. My coat is so big, arrrrgh” she said to everyone and no one. Then she look over at me and said “In Lafayette I could get jail time for doing this.” She smiled.
I laugh and assured her I would be a witness and swear the coat did it, that with a good lawyer and with good behavior she would have her coat paroled in no time. Spilt wine is a sure conversation starter so we talked a bit, introduced ourselves, her name Donna, and we got to the point of what we were both doing at the Blue Moon on a cool autumns’ Sunday afternoon.
Me an early Monday morning business meeting, her celebrating her divorce.
“Ah a divorce party of one.” I commented
“Yea, celebrating my divorce, my fifth one.” She smiled.
Serial Monogamy or how many marriages are too many. Donna had just ended her sixth marriage and she admitted her longest, 6 years and her worst to date.
As a curious sort I had to inquire about how someone gets married that many times. Most woman I know can’t find one decent man, present company excluded, how did she find 5. The answer I found out was they weren’t decent men so it was easy.
“Getting men to marry you is easy, just be what they think they want and then they will be down on one knee in no time. Had a friend of mine who was married for 22 years. Divorce and within three months engaged to a guy she just meet. Lasted five miserable years.”
“What about you, 5 marriages in what? You are in your forties I imagine.”
“Oh lord are you trying to be lucky number seven, by the way I was married 6 times, widow once. But you’re such a sweetheart or you just want to say what a lady wants to hear. No no I am 53.” She said with a smile and a wink.
I must admit there have been the occasion I fudge on what I really thought how old they were but in this case early forties I thought I was being dead nuts on.
“53, never would have thunk it. How old were you when you got married for the first time.”
“I was seventeen, my first husband, an escape from home. Graduate from high school on Friday get married on Saturday. Had a son when I was 18, all normal for a good Southern Baptist family. That marriage lasted till I was 20.”
“So what happen next.”
“I moved, knew there had to be more to life than what I was in. Picked up and moved to Atlanta. Lived in Mid-town and it was wonderful. Concerts, the arts, restaurants, parties. A wonderful life, I was single and stay that way for 12 years.”
“Atlanta, I grew up in Atlanta, loved mid-town, in the hell hole that is Atlanta, mid-town is an oasis. Twelve years single and Mr. Right pops in?”
“Not sure if it was Mr. Right but I wanted to be married, I had been single and wanted that companionship. This tall Catholic boy and a bit younger than me came into the picture. Played football and won a scholarship to play at U G A. Got there and then quit the team. Met him through some friends and we dated for two years and got married. Frank was his name. Then it changed, after we were married all he wanted to do was sit around drink beer and watch football. We use to go to gay bars and dance the night away. That stopped as soon as we were married. We were living in Mid-town and he now never wanted to go out. It lasted all of 18 months.”
“OK number 3.”
“Number three, number three, my cowboy. I was in Paris Texas visiting some friends and went to a rodeo. I looked at all the cowboys and thought I need to get me one. And I did, Jim. We dated for a short period of time got married and then four months later he died of colon cancer.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“Thanks, he was a tough guy but in the end the cancer got him. So I moved back to Atlanta, Mid-town and got back together with an old boyfriend, Russ. He became number 4. Great on vacation lousy husband. He was into 900 numbers and porn, not me. That one lasted 18 months. Engineering type very anal.”
“Seems 18 months is about the norm”.
“Yea it seems that way, not sure why, so anywho. Number 5 I meet here in Lafayette. At the Back to Back, two bands, two dance floors, he came up to me asked out to lunch and I blew him off. Saw me downtown a week later convinced me to go out with him. We dated for three years and was married for 4 months. Seems he had a coke habit he tried to hide.”
Donna went on about her marriages and finally her sixth. Latest and worst, did everything she wanted and then got married and quit just want to chase chics, boring and abusive.
“We took trips together it started off fun and then he just wanted to stay home and ride his Harley. Go to bars and look at chicks. We use to go to art galleries, camping and that all changed from the moment we got married. I knew it was a mistake in the beginning but.”
“You know that most people would look upon 6 marriages as being, well lets just say, not the norm.”
“I know, guys find out I have been married 6 times and they run, I almost feel invisible at times.”
“Why do you think you married.”
“Each was a different time in my life, I was searching for something and felt they could help me find it. Or I guess I wanted to be wanted, to feel needed, now I know I want to be a partner. No longer a door mat. Life is wonderful, it needs to be lived, with the right person. I guess I didn’t believe in myself, don’t know that I really loved any of them. Made it easier that way, for me at least.”
I lifted my beer glass and Donna her now refilled wine glass and we toasted.
“I know some woman who have never been married and can’t seem to find a man and you see to be on a straight with a royal flush kicker with men. How do you do it.”
“Low standards” Donna smiled and then went on. “I haven’t had a problem meeting men, just at the time it seems right and it really isn’t, I choose to ignore what I know is wrong. Each one was a learning experience; I have done some wonderful things and been to some wonderful places.”
“Is it worth it.”
“On some level it is, on some levels it isn’t. BUT hey isn’t that life?”
Confession, Donna really fascinated me, I can understand how someone can get caught up in the events and unable to get out until they spiral to such a point you have no choice. I know to many people who realize that this was doomed from day one but with just an ounce of hope they proceed on. As long as there is hope.
We find ourselves in stages of life where we depend on others to help us out of a bad situation, a depression, we get to a point where we know it doesn’t make sense but we do it anyway. We hope beyond hope that it will change, that with enough work and effort, good will come of this.
It doesn’t.
Today 7% of all marriages are the third plus and the more glaring statistic is that more people are choosing to be un-married. However there is serial monogamy in the single world, men or woman who have to be in a relationship. Break up on Friday back in love again on Saturday with your next partner. One lady I knew, ex wife of a doctor, (in single guy world that is a huge red flag) spent her last 5 Valentines with 5 different lovers. Intelligent, attractive, and very needy of a man. Makes you wonder doesn’t it.
Single people are faced with the reality that we can only change ourselves. We can’t look at the “what ifs” they aren’t real, only “what is”. Soul mate, partner, life long friend are all terms banter about on the dating sites, so hope does spring eternal and who knows what is in store for Donna’s lucky number 7, or more probably a short term marriage and another divorce party.
